The Obama campaign keeps trying new things with their supporter email lists, and the new things keep not working. It doesn’t help that, the moment they realize it’s not working, they panic and adopt a completely different marketing scheme. I guess it’s understandable: there haven’t been many rulebooks written on “how to convince Americans you don’t suck, when you totally suck,” so they’re floundering in the dark to control one PR nightmare after another.
One of their strategies that I’ve particularly liked is that they’ve started including the recipient’s first name in the subject. So you’ll get emails like “Ben – We Need You” and “Ben, This is it.” Their first email using this strategy was particularly creepy; an email from Barack Obama himself with a subject line reading simply, “Ben.”
Okay guys, you’re freaking me out. Stop saying my name.
Today, I found a new email in my inbox, from Rufus Gifford, Obama for America’s financial director. The subject line? Not anything involving my first name, thankfully. It read, “Yes, this is URGENT.”
You could’ve fooled me, Rufus. Just today your organization was playing advertisements about Big Bird and confusing the main stream media by being absolutely incompetent.
So let’s break the email down. Ready… GO.
If you want to wake up on November 7th to four more years of President Obama, and not the alternative, then chip in $5 or more today — that’s just $1.25 for each week we have left.
The bottom line is that we’re running out of time to get our organization where it needs to be for the final push — and make-or-break budget decisions are coming up at the end of this week. And, according to our records associated with this email address, you haven’t donated to this campaign yet, so, if you’ve been waiting for the right moment, that time is now.
Well glad to know you’re keeping tabs on me, Rufie. I actually haven’t been waiting for the right moment, I just don’t like you guys. Sorry!
So Rufus starts off attempting to downplay how much money you’d be giving, because apparently people aren’t even willing to donate $5 to the Obama Campaign. He also attempts to convey a sense of urgency with the “for each week we have left” comment, which leads to the main problem for their campaign. If “make-or-break” budget decisions are coming up at the end of the week, then it might be a problem that you don’t have the money yet.
I’m curious to see what this “final push” is, because that wordplay suggests that they’ve been doing well, and it’s just a little bit further. No, it’s a lot further, because your campaign has been doing terrible. You’re down in the polls in all eleven swing states. Your candidate epically failed at the debates. And you’re spending the donation money on ads about Big Bird.
But the sentence at the very beginning, the part about waking up to four more years of Barack Obama. Yeesh. That gave me chills. I mean, that’s a very strong stance and I think that might actually turn off some former Obama voters. It’s like going up to your ex-wife and telling her that you love her. It might be coming on a bit too strong. I don’t think anyone really wants to wake up to four more years of Obama.
We have a rapidly shrinking window to hire those last few organizers, open those last few offices in states like Florida and Colorado, and recruit the volunteers who will determine how many voters we reach in those all-important final days before November 6th.
So … yeah. This is URGENT. It’s time for you to step up.
You’ve waited until the last month to own a piece of this campaign. Don’t wait any longer — your donation is needed right now:
Wow there, nelly. Back up off me. I think maybe you should have planned ahead and at least hired enough people to do the job before you’ve got a week left to do it. And opening offices? SERIOUSLY? Who opens an entirely new office a month before the election? Don’t get pissed of at me because you couldn’t manage your finances.
I don’t want to own a piece of this campaign. I have better investment sense than Barack Obama. Investing in the Obama campaign is like investing in Solyndra, and we all know how well investing in Solyndra went…
Thanks. You’re great.
National Finance Director
Obama for America
Hahahaha. Thanks Rufus, you’re great as well.
It’s opposite day, right?
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Thank you all so much. God Bless.
– Ben Nanke