For All

Well, I considered writing “Airport Security” on my hands, grabbing my butt and snapping a picture… but I decided against it. You’re welcome.

This is the stupidest ad campaign I’ve seen since Quiznos tried to sell sandwiches by flipping a couple hamsters inside out, putting pirate hats on them and making them sing like Steve Buscemi. I wish I could have been there to see ol’ Barry pitch this idea to the team.

“Hey guys, here’s a sharpie. Let’s write stuff on our hands and try to look as creepy as humanly possible.”

The comparisons of Jim Messina and Buffalo Bill are warranted beyond belief, but I think there’s another one that’s even more fitting. Remember in Monsters Inc., when they’re down in that creepy lair with the scream-sucker machine? And then the machine gets turned on and it’s the henchman guy in the chair, and afterwards he’s all pale and clammy and he’s got those colossal red lips, wheezing and flapping his gangly arms around?

Jim Messina, folks.

I mean, of all the campaign members and supporters they have available, WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY PICK THESE PEOPLE? Jim Messina the frostbite victim, Debbie looking like some kind of frenzied Cocker Spaniel, and then, of course, David Axelrod.

Our buddy Dave wasn’t digging the plan, at least until Barnie Frank sat on him and thumbed a couple of sweaty Lunesta tablets into his mouth.

Mmm, tastes like Bugles.

I mean, I feel bad for Jim Messina. It really looks like he doesn’t want to be there. It’s like all the interns were bouncing around him like wild puppies, “What are you going to write on your hands, Jim? Are you gonna write ‘Poverty?’ What about ‘47%’? OH GEEZE that would be so clever! Did you hear Romney totally think 47% of Americans are victims? Write 47%, that’s brilliant! Put the percent sign on your right hand.”

Medical Research. I understand completely, David.

Strange thing, though, I haven’t seen Joe Biden with anything written on his hands. Probably for the best. Otherwise we might get stuff like this!

Or this.

And don’t forget this.

At least he doesn’t have “Obama’s Big Stick” anywhere on his hands.

But seriously, the entire purpose behind the ad campaign is just as bogus as the campaign itself. A reference to “liberty and justice for all” from our pledge of allegiance, Obama 2012 is once again attempting to play this loony game of class warfare. Sure, they’re for uniting, not dividing, which is why they’re regurgitating the tired claim that Mitt Romney is out of touch with America because he’s rich. Right, because once you become rich in America, we like to lock you in a little Plexiglass box and deprive you of contact with the outside world. It’s great fun.

Also, just for kicks, let’s look at that line in the pledge again. Liberty and justice for all. Okay, so according to Mr. Obama not everybody has liberty. WELL I would argue the contrary. Ms. Sandra Fluke certainly has the liberty to canoodle with half the men in the New York metropolitan area, at least according to this cheese wheel of contraceptive receipts. A little PAC called Priorities USA Action has the liberty to claim Mitt Romney somehow gave a man’s wife cancer. Hell, you folks have the liberty to write on your hands and take pictures. I’d say, compared to the rest of this charming little world, we as Americans have quite a good deal of liberty, Mr. President.

If anyone is horning in on our liberty, it’d be you and your little cronies, banning large cups and carbohydrates and unkind thoughts about oak trees.

But what about justice? Well, according to Obama, 47% of Americans are being treated unjustly by Mitt Romney. His words hurt that much, don’t you understand!? But you know, I’d say getting a bunch of money, food, and support in exchange for absolutely nothing is a little more than justice. I might even go so far as to call that injustice. Maybe that’s what Obama is actually referring to – that he feels all this welfare is really a bad idea – but he just. can’t. stop. giving. This is why we put a price limit on white elephant gift exchanges, Mr. President. You’re that guy who brings the $300 set of golf clubs.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got some serious issues with liberty and justice in this country, but the problems obviously aren’t inherent in the system, and they’re certainly not spawning out of Mitt Romney’s perfectly coiffed hair like a rogue curl of evil capitalism. Obama’s a one trick pony. He’ll just keep looking at all the corrupt things he’s done by himself, turn around, and claim that Romney’s doing them instead. I think Romney should start doing the same thing to Obama and play a little reverse psychology. “Hey everyone, Obama ran a very successful business and saved the Olympic games!”

“NO I DIDN’T! I mean… um, wait… what?”

If Obama’s reelected, I think it will only be a matter of time before we’re pledging allegiance to Dear Leader instead of the United States of America, and then we won’t have to worry about liberty or justice anymore. Slap some chains on those wrists, ya’ll!

But hey, at least we can still write stuff on our hands.

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